2nd launch diaries. Day one. Blood is beautiful.

(All photos taken by Niko. In the pictures by appearance: Nikki York, Markko Donto, Kayvon Zand, Dyllan Monroe, Anna Evans, various strangers).

There were many things on my to do list, when I woke up late on Saturday. I had yesterday's words of Albert in my had: "If you want to change the world you gotta start with yourself." He's a phenomenal eccentric in his sixties and we had visited the Met museum. He said, it would be the little things, switch off the AC, recycle, buy green products, walk... check, check, check and check. What do you want me to do now, Albert? Consider it done? Go to bed and die?

I don't have any problems with myself and nobody has a problem with me, in fact, I am very happy with myself and people are very happy with me. My life is beautiful, meaningful, fulfilled, there is an abundance of everything. So this is it then? Oh well, why don't I kill myself then? All is perfect, there is nothing left to do. All I do for years and years is maintain and do a little home improvement here and there. Fuck that! Seriously.

I see greatness and beauty all around me, but I also see violence, stupidity and sickness. Can somebody please put up a wall, so I'm not bothered in my private paradise? Let in a tiny problem here and there, so I can happily and successfully solve it, and feel great about myself? Let me do a good deed here and there, so I can think I'm a great good-doer? Yeah? Is that right?

Maybe engage more in the benefit programs of helping sick, old, young and needing people, nature, animals and that? As if I wouldn't devote so much time on that already. Creating work places? I did, 5 people are making more money than I am, because they work in my company. All of us are paying taxes. And what am I doing with all that good, good stuff? I'm fixing small scale problems of big scale fuck ups. Damn right, that's what I do.

With every good little deed, I am silently supporting and helping those, who do bad, evil and wrong things. Those who fight wars instead of negotiating, those who exploit as much as they can from everything they can find. I am their perfect slave. Whenever something goes wrong, there is some stupid ass little Nikki and her friends who will fix it for them and make this world pretty again. That is rape.

Where are the responsible people for that? Oh, there are none? They created a system, that makes them invisible. So is it the system then? We can do as much good as we want and be as beautiful as we are, it's worth so little, if we don't change the wrong: The rapists who don't stop raping the hell out of others and unconsensually take what doesn't belong to them, exploiters, those who hurt, those who harm, those who abuse.

I am not one of them. I am just one of their best slaves. And so are all my friends. The exploiters, rapists and killers are not my friends. But they are not my enemies either, they are my object of change. Wasn't that, what Obama won the election with? Change?

Hey Mister Obama, you are so far away from me, I have no idea what you are doing. I guess Ashton Kutcher is much better than you, using modern media and informing about what he changes. Mister Obama, how do you feel about it, that people, your people in your democracy listen more to Lady Gaga than to you? Or are those your voices? Is that, what you want us to hear? Are you keeping us happily entertained, while you are rocking the boat and make this planet paradise? I can't vote, but I trust in you, Obama. Blind. And without anybody showing me an acceptable, reasonable future.

Jean-Paul came by for a photo shoot with Alex. I prepared for the second launch first official night out with "Bloody Hands". I was invited by the beautiful people. In my opinion they are the most beautiful people currently living in New York, and they make an extreme effort to be extremely beautiful. It's absolutely fantastic.

There is more than one group, but we all somehow know each other, at least from seeing. If you want to be a part, you need to respect a certain type of uniformism, but not really, new ideas and looks are welcome. You need to contribute and ad somehow. That certainly makes sense. The common denominator is beauty and its individual interpretation of it.

It's a stupid error to believe fashionistas and beautiful people would be shallow, they are not, their average depth is above standard. They are aloof sometimes, because they have to make sure their group beauty does not get diluted by ugly people who want to take advantage instead of contributing and sharing.

The beautiful people share it all: they share their beauty in public, they share getting into clubs for free and having free bottle service, they make a lot of compliments and value others efforts and arts. They are attentive, respectful, sensitive, and aware. They are loud enough to change this world demonstrating, in their daily life and on a larger level: Lady Gaga and fancy designers copy them. I love this group and their energy dearly. They are my friends.

So off to "the gates", a yuppyish club on 8th Avenue. Jean-Paul and I arrived late, because we took too long taking pictures of me dressed up. Kayvon Zand and his entourage, which I happily belong to when he invites, were grabbing cabs to go over to Don Hills for a party of Michael T. and twig the wonderkid, hosted by Kayvon. His girlfriend, our supremely beautiful friend Anna Evans, was going to perform there. I didn't have an opportunity to show my Bloody Hands yet, I was wearing opera gloves going with my Betty Page like outfit.

In front of Don Hills Markko Donto was the first who I showed my hands to. He is a painter and one of the best and most creatively dressed fashionistas, going out with Dylan Monroe. In a gay way of excitement his first reaction was: "I love those, they are beautiful. What a great color. I want that on my cock." Let's do it, great idea. I'd love to do a shoot - film or photo - with Markko and his cock. How cool is that.

It was a fun evening. I handed out my business cards, we took pictures, made plans for future collaborations, we sat in out little VIP back room lounge and Anna's performance was great and better than what I had seen her do before. It's such a cool thing to see everybody become better in what they do.

Some hours later we left to go to Baddies, an afterhour club, not bad either. People's reactions to the hands were positive and exciting throughout the evening. What do you expect, this is America, this is New York. I love New York and New York loves me. Strangers jumped into photos, strangers asked for photos - with the freak obviously, the beautiful freak.

Freaks have a great potential to change this world, always have been, so I'm feeling great as a freak. As long as I stay healthy and don't die of it like many before me, the self-chosen or by circumstances and society condemned to be martyrs. No more martyrdom in this world. This is totally dated.

Art can change the world, massively and drastically. I'm an artist, I can do this. I started with myself a long, long time ago and I'm not finished. New York started to change a little bit already by Bloody Hands. And one thing became more clear to me than ever:

If I want to change the world, I have to change the world. Take that, Albert.

Holy holy!!!

I just got back from a weekend of 2nd launch "Bloody Hands". This was all so incredible and incredibly... I don't even want to say great, because it doesn't sound good enough. I honestly did not expect that. My deepest humbleness to life and people involved. Thank you to all and for all.

Finally I'm feeling guilty. Something really worked.

Since I can think I want to make this world a more beautiful and better place, an I have gotten a huge amount of bullshit reactions to that.

I have received very few and up to date insignificant support for the way I want to that. I'm very grateful for the bit of support I got, believe me that.

After having worn the "Bloody Hands" myself, with the attempt to feel guilt, which I mostly don't, but simply rationally assume declaring myself responsible for all kinds of things and trying hard and as best as I can. A week later it worked. All excuses. My whole life has been an excuse.

I am feeling so incredibly guilty, and man, this is a shit feeling. I am feeling guilty for having posted yesterdays meandering and somewhat obnoxious post. I am feeling guilty for not letting go of being an artist. I am feeling guilty for even attempting to change this world, that everybody is so happy with. So many things, I can't even list them.

The feeling of guilt is amazing. Along with that feeling comes a great portion of feeling helplessly ashamed, and surprisingly enough a strong connection to my fellow humans. From here on, I will focus on the latter.

Tonight is a big "Bloody Hands" night out.

Today is another philosophy day (Why you are a suicidal drug-addict and probably aren't aware of it. Yes, exactly you!)

Some people really can't help but think their brain into knots, and some people can't help but express themselves creatively. I belong to both groups and most of the time I struggle with it and tell myself "don't cry, work".

If I want art to significantly transform society, and I do, how is it going to work?

Jean-Paul said to me yesterday: "Only poets read poems and only artists look at art." That is a concerning reality. Given that there are non-artists going to exhibitions, one could argue, that the group of art lovers - and out of free choice visiting an exhibition - consists of artists, failed artists, wanna-be artists and people who consciously or subconsciously see themselves as artists, who for good reasons don't do the job.

Then there are art-agnostics, who are sometimes forced to visit an exhibition (school trip, social event, etc.), and art-haters, artheists, (gee, I'm so funny), who I don't feel like writing about just now.

How spacious is the ivory tower art lovers are sitting in, and are they ever communicating with the rest of the world?

The people in the ivory towers are the people who have the true power to transform the world. They are an elite. Not only in art, but also in philosophy, politics, spirituality, science... any field. They are specialist, have more knowledge in their field than everybody else, and they live in gated communities that have access to flick switches for transformation.

When it comes to transformation, this is not a democratic process, it's oligarchic (reigning of a few). I doubt that the few are solely kings of their discipline. With kings I am referring to Plato, whose ideal state is lead by philosopher kings. That sucks!

Do we have to tear down ivory towers like the Bastille in the french revolution and cut off the queen's and king's heads? For a revolution yes, for a transformation, no. Revolutions are bloody and violent, my attempt to transform via "Bloody Hands" is an "as if" scenario, bloody via symbolism. That's a good thing. It avoids real blood, and in the violent blood case, it avoids real violence.

Ivory tower people are not bad, not at all. I am extremely unhappy about their success in many areas though. That answers the question, why I want to transform this world: my individual unhappieness, that I share with a vast majority of other individuals summed up in the collective of one conscious humanity. The majority is certainly unhappy about the amount of pain we are inflicting onto ourselves (and that is inflicted by non humans such as viruses or nature) in this world - as group and as individual. That is reason enough to be motivated to transform: avoiding pain.

I want to go further and be more specific than avoiding pain though, because that discussion is endless. Let's say an individual is motivated with good reason to avoid its own unnatural death. Our bodies are, they breathe and work for staying alive as best as possible, and we can only stop it by violent acts. Most of us are doing a great job staying alive. Our egos make that happen. Some individuals have incredibly huge egos, haha. There is a turning point when egos are no longer helpful, but that's another discussion.

When it comes to one humanity, the collective sucks. It should be highly motivated to avoid its survival, but it spends a vast amount of its resources on figuring out how to commit suicide. How do we most effectively destroy the environment we need to survive? How can we most effectively kill as many human cells as possible? Why else are whole nations interested in crafting nuclear weapons? A suicidal individual we consider sick and tend to want to transform it and help. A suicidal humanity we don't even want to acknowledge as such. Our self-awareness of collective humanity nearly equals zero.

So where are the ivory tower inhabitants, who traveled the world, who could raise self-awareness, initiate reasonable changes and heal a sickening humanity? They are there, they try, as individuals and as groups. They so far successfully managed to maintain survival. But that's about it. They need help. It does not matter where this help is coming from. Art is my candidate of choice.

Whoever I talk to agrees to me. It makes me nervous and excited.

Alex said the other day. "Sure we could change things, we are billions of people. If all of us would say "Hey, we want to destroy all nuclear weapons" then we could create a world in which nuclear weapons don't exist. Nobody could do anything about it, we would just get rid of them. But we don't say that. I'm too lazy to say it." (A humanity without nuclear weapons and reactors, might or might not be more violent than now, but it would no longer be evidently suicidal).

... all right, who wants to read this (and I didn't even start writing what I initially intended)? Nobody? I'm wasting time. Off to action.

Oh, I' still in the mojo, my action will consist of making this more provocative, it's fun.

Why you are a suicidal drug addict, Yes, you!

You are living in at least one ivory tower, a tiny one, you are a reader of this blog. You most probably inhibit more than one ivory tower.

I determined the collective of humanity as suicidal above. In order to stop being suicidal we need to stop messing with forces that we have no to limited control over. These forces have similar traits like drugs. They can be good, they can help and heal, they can be recreational and illegal, BUT they have an uncontrollable element that leads to addiction and in some cases to a slow form of suicide. A person who is not addicted to a drug can still die of it, but the risk is remarkably diminished.

Every inhabitant of an ivory tower is a responsible and powerful part of humanity, leading it to some extend.
You might want to agree to that. I know that there are utterly unconscious humans out there, who have no connection whatsoever to the collective, while still being part of it. If I talk to them like this, they have no interest, will or capacity of understanding me.

I'm only giving this one example of nuclear energy, I could also exemplify this with money, technology and many other things.
There is nothing bad with those things in itself, just like with drugs, but the one element, the addictive element and the potential for successful suicide, should keep you interested.

Nuclear energy, what an invention! Can it kill humanity on a different level, than let's say a knife? Yes. Can we completely control it? Humanity decided that it can and uses it, and incidents like Tschernobyl and Hiroshima did not stop it from using it. Is humanity addicted to nuclear power? Yes. Even if we would stop making atoms react, for energy or for weapons, the reactions from our previous behavior would not stop. We are already addicted. We cannot get out. We're doomed.

Good for now. What does it have to do with "Bloody Hands"? "Bloody Hands" raises individual awareness, and possibly collective awareness, and possibly effectively transforms this world.

I trust in you!

Facing challenges

I want to be faster.

• A lot of work and contributions are coming in, and I don't have a proper place and way to show this figured out. Maybe ask people if they can host their work themselves online?
  

• Art is so random, and a lot is simply not good. In order for "Bloody Hands" to become good, it needs to be framed correctly and presented correctly. Time for a manifest and some strong demands to oneself. I need a well structured plan.
  

• The excitement of people as force is fantastic, and I am responsible to keep it going and accelerating. I need a happening. I am thinking the 2nd launch date at Mars bar. I need to invite people and use the social sites, that I have been prepping for this. Group action!

• The business cards are in. I need to wear the hands. Individual action!

• I need to have some guts and start talking to people I don't know yet. I had a very scary idea this morning: contact Klaus Biesenbach! (He is Director of P.S.1 Contemporary Art Center, Chief Curator at Large at The Museum of Modern Art, New York, and Founding Director of Kunst-Werke (KW) Institute for Contemporary Art in Berlin). I've seen him at parties and openings, but I never dared walking up to him. Why can I have such a napoleonesque idea attempting to present "Bloody Hands" to him? I suck... but actually the idea is brilliant. And as I know myself, I will do it. I'm a shocker to myself. I wonder, if I should weave this into a launch. I'll think about it.
  

• I think I want to start speaking, hold lectures. Now how am I going to do that (in a non-ridiculous way)? And who wants to listen? Where?
  

• The aesthetics. Now here is a lot of invention necessary. I saw the exhibition "experimental geography" @ the graduate center yesterday. It was done very professionally and easy on the eyes. Other than an old Francis Alys video, the moving a hill one, there was nothing unique aesthetically there though. A very proper presentation of what has been done for ages.
  
  I was going through thinking, yeah this is what Cosima von Bonin and Rosi Trockel invented, Spurensuche! Boltanski, the chalk boards are Beuys - a lot (still) is, this artists name I forgot, but I remember what museum I saw that in. It was interdisciplinary, good, good.
  
  It was interactive... geee, "Bloody Hands" can by no means become that! In the hall they exhibited visitors contributions of "art work". I mean, the idea is nice and if everybody is an artist (which I consider a false statement), then there are damn bad artists out there. Quality is a must. Great people are on this already, who have better aesthetics developed than I have. That is great. But lot just doesn't have any yet.
  
  I can be an elitist and populist at the same time. It's not a problem. But how??? how am I going to steer this right. I despise Goethe, but his "Zauberlehrling" has always been a good lecture to me "the spirits that I called". Work Nikki, work! Focus and work!
  

News Flash: prep work of Sonja Miehlke and Martin Hoefermann

The lauch dates are close and you want to be me! It is so incredibly great to get "Bloody Hands" emails from everywhere and have intense discussions - about art, society, politics, responsibilities, etc.

Martin Hoefermann is a diretor in theatre and musician, but actually overall artist. I met him at a party in 1991 and that same day we formed the band "Harz". Last Saturday I saw Sonic Youth and their recommended opening acts. Without arrogance I have to say, Harz was better and more avangarde in a good way 20 years ago - we only played one (mighty impressive) show though. Haha, fun times.


Here is what he sent: (translated): "I will shoot a short silent movie.
Today: Prep
Tomorrow: shoot
Friday: composing music
Saturday or Sunday I'll send you the movie.

Sonja Miehlke is an artist and designer in advertising, fighting the battles I fortunately were able to not participate in any longer 5 years ago. The advertising world can be hideous and hardly ever shows the brilliance of their creators! She has phenomenal ideas, concepts and views behind her work. She sent me a sneak peak story board (click on the picture to read):

Contributions! It's starting.

Ahh, it's so much already.

Several people are working on photos, of the execution, and as Ueber-Art.

Martin is thinking about composing a song.

Courtney F. send incredible much input and great criticism, and she is working on performances, writing, and she sent the Macbeth quote: "There is a famous quote by Shakespeare that Lady MacBeth says when she is going a little bonkers and imagining that she is trying to wash off the blood on her hands after killing the king, her husband. It is usually portrayed onstage with Lady Macbeth on her knees, desperately trying to wash her hands, even though they are already clean to the audience's eyes.

"Out damn spot, out I say" - Lady Macbeth"

Sonja sees "Bloody Hands" from a crime murderer perspective. Quoting the German letter doesn't make much sense right now, I need to translate it, but it's very cool.

Remy showed me an awesome video she filmed about a former IRA? criminal now living in the U.S. It's about repent, physical, mental and emotional wounds that don't heal... A terribly beautiful movie. She also thinks about menstrual blood.

Jean Paul, Remy and I did a photo shoot and video filming and performance last Friday. That was some group action and dynamic, ha. I wanted it to be a documentary of the performance, which was me painting with bloody hands, eagerly trying to feel guilty. It became more of a fashion shoot. Definitely interesting. I can say for myself that I had a great psychological experience with the hands. My essence of that event is that there is absolutely no guilt in the process of producing art.

Veronica told me something about military graphics and red that I didn't understand, but I'm looking forward.

Kitty is planning on hitting somebody and leaving her bloody hands as a trace.

The Baroness just sent me a beautiful email: "Dear Nikki, Strangely enough when I got this I had just dyed my hair red and of course my hands were stained too. So I type with now fading red hands." Phenomenal, really great!

Alex expressed some sick ideas to me, that I first want her to get further with, before I talk about it.

Henning asked me about oil and wants to send work.

Many expressed support and encouragement and asked a lot of questions that made nice discussions.

I have been working hard today on preparing all sorts of things. I created a group on facebook that I will invite to on the second launch dates (august 7th and 8th). Working facebook is quite the (nasty) experience. I sent out a follow up to participants. The business cards came in, so I can basically now start running around with bloody hands and don't have to be artsy cryptic about it. Ha, and much more, but who wants to be boring?